Friday, July 16, 2004
The zoo was great, we saw polies (polar bears), jumping monkeys, sleepy cats, itchy bears, HUGE wolves, and many other fun things. I got a hat with horns on it cause Dodge was there. Alicia got to test drive a new durango (which I might add was WAY nice) that was, of course, fully loaded. I was going to drive something, but the course was too scary looking after riding along with Alicia. No... I don't like going really fast and slamming on the breaks. No thank you!
Alright, so alot of people don't really know about my current "situation" and it's really time I explain, don't you think?
Colin and I are getting a divorce. We've really been seperated for hrm... a little over a year now. Haven't slept in the same bed, etc, etc, etc. I've put on my social mask for too long. His family didn't know what hit them when I left, and my family knew it was coming because I've been crying on the phone for about as long as we've been seperated.
My mom asked me not to tell my siblings or any of my friends, why I'm not sure, but in her head I think she was hoping things would mend. She didn't understand the finality of my decision until I explained my situation in Canada better, but she (and the family that knows) has stood behind me 100%.
So now it's time that the truth comes out. I'm sorry for not saying something to my close friends in person (Meghan), I've wanted to for a very long time, but I didn't really know how. It's embarrassing, to be truthful. My husband, whom I should never have to worry about cheating, cheated! I'm not bitter, not not hateful.. I'm ...indifferent now. "Now" being the key word here. As I've been told, the opposite of love isn't hatred, it's indifference. You have to love someone enough to hate them... and I've got nothing left in me for Colin. Absolutely nothing.
The irony of it all is that NOW he wants me back! I was there at his fingertips and he didn't want to try. Didn't want to go to councelling, didn't want to talk to HIS parents and get advice, and wasn't sorry. He told my mom on the phone one night, "I wasn't sure if I wanted to be married or not for a year. Now I know I want to be married." That statement there pretty much explains the "relationship" I've been in since HE cheated on me. When his mother found out she told him how he was suppose to be, and then all the sudden he WANTS to be married. Yeah, ... sure! Let me put myself through hell again, please? I've not been through enough! Rake me over the coals some more! Ha!
He calls quite often and I'm not mean with him, I'm civil. I don't lead him on, though. I have never, and will never, give him false hope. That's #1, bad Karma, and #2 not something any good person (no matter how badly wronged) would do. You just don't mess around with someone's heart & emotions.
So where am I now? Well, I'm in the process of filing for the divorce, it won't go to court with lawyers and such (as long as he's a good little boy and signs on the dotted line) and if it does, then he'll be mighty sorry. Cheating = alimony. As of now I left with less than what I went there with and it'll stay that way as long as .....well, you get the point. I really don't want all those things. They remind me of the tainted relationship that was nothing but a lie for a very long time. But I'll have absolutely no problem selling them to start my new life!
Secretly, my family doesn't know (although I'm pretty sure my mom does) I have another relationship brewing. I know alot of you are likely sitting there with disapproving looks on your face. "It's too soon." you're likely thinking. Well, ...not really. A year of no emotional attachments to anyone, of being told I'm a burden, yadda yadda... I'm proud of myself for moving on. If you don't approve, I'm sorry, but I'm very happy. And no one can live my life but me. So, be happy for me! I'm not going to say much more because I really don't want to jinx things!
On the plus side, I'll be around for my Meghan's baby being born. (That's if she's still speaking to me after she reads all this!) My parents have asked me to stay at their house for the winter to take care of it and the dog. So here is where I'll be for a looong while.
posted by Bunny @ 10:24 PMOR
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